A Shotgun Full of Rock Salt
by firefly
Summary: Sometimes a quick fix is all it takes to set things right. Welcome to the universe of ideals, where murder is only misconduct, death is just a pit stop, and the institution of marriage solves everything. Crack. Multi-chapter.
1. Chapter 1

A Shotgun Full of Rock Salt

By: firefly

Note: Pure, unfettered crack. Making fun of anything and everything that makes fanfiction so great and dear to our hearts.

A Shotgun Full of Rock Salt

Once, long ago, before the Earth existed, the universe was busy blowing its brains out to create the fabric of time and space. It was a time-consuming process; a couple billion years went by as matter began sorting itself out.

A lot of miraculous things happened during all of this. The building blocks of life were being created. Stars were being born. Something frightening and beautiful was beginning to take shape in the vast blackness.

And somewhere in all this chaos, a tiny, insignificant little speck of a thing happened. Through some force beyond our understanding, some atoms aligned in a way that would forever set the course for a not-yet-existing life form.

Exactly when this preordained fate came into effect was not meant to happen for another few billion years. But the pieces were set. And through this arrangement, the universe would bestow an unfortunate soul the shittiest, absolute worst, so-bad-it-seemed-like-a-joke, god-awful luck in the history of humanity.

His life was doomed to be a clusterfuck of emotional devastation, chronic illness, and the committal of an atrocity so terrible it would forever confine him to a life of misery and loneliness.

It was so bad, that when he died at the measly age of twenty-one (in a horribly painful way, to boot), he did so with a smile on his face because he knew his hellish existence was finally over.

The universe had conspired against him from the very beginning, but he'd finally beaten it by kicking the bucket.

It should have ended there. But then somewhere a trillion billion million light-years away, there was a minor glitch in the spacetime-continuum; a little hiccup that ruined everything.

No, _annihilated_ everything.

Something happened, something so pivotal, it reached across the borders of life and death and wrenched this poor soul back out of the grave and into existence.

This one, critical act destroyed the only happiness this man had ever known and transpired from a single deed of carelessness that wouldn't have held any sway even if it happened in an infinite number of universes:

A boy named Naruto forgot to set his watch for daylight savings time.

* * *

Uchiha Itachi had been dead all of five minutes when Team 7 and co. arrived an hour earlier than scheduled. They found his body dumped in a quarry, sprawled out next to Sasuke's.

Sakura and Hinata had immediately gone to healing Sasuke as the others stood around staring at Itachi's corpse.

"Well, that's over, then," Kakashi declared, pulling out his book. "Poke me when we're ready to go."

It only took a few minutes before the combined efforts of Hinata and Sakura stirred Sasuke back into consciousness. He sat up in a daze, looking to be in a state of shock when he saw his old teammates standing there.

Naruto was extremely relieved to see he was all right, but had the foresight to understand that his friend would probably make a run for it. So he did the sensible thing and punched him in the back of the head.

Unconscious but fully healed, Sasuke became an afterthought as Sakura suddenly got up and ran to tend to Itachi. Why she'd even bothered was a mystery. He was already dead. Bringing him back to life just to take him back to the village for execution seemed redundant.

"Sakura, I think he's dead," Naruto said, toeing the corpse. "Oh, gross, look at his eyeballs!"

"Naruto, please!" Sakura cried. "I'm trying to save him!"

"What's the point?" Kiba asked from where he was lazily playing fetch with Akamaru. "The guy's a criminal. They'll probably give us an award if we bring him back dead."

"Because!" Sakura said vehemently, "I'm a medic and that's what medics do! I didn't take the Hippocratic oath for nothing!"

"But he's _dead_," Naruto repeated.

Sakura ignored them. "Hinata, come help me."

The reluctant girl came over and took a seat by the body.

"Give me a scalpel," Sakura ordered, suddenly pulling on a pair of latex gloves.

Kiba and Naruto's eyes widened. "Whoa, what are you planning on doing?"

Sakura snapped on the glove and looked down at the corpse with grim determination. "I'm going in for an internal cardiac massage."

"What do you mean you're—oh God what the _fuck_!"

"Hinata, hold open his chest cavity!"

The sound of someone losing their lunch shortly followed.

"Fascinating," Sai said, looking on in interest.

Kakashi briefly glanced up from his book to see Sakura wrist-deep in Itachi's chest, applying chakra blasts directly to the heart. He let out a low whistle and went back to his reading.

"Forget this," Naruto said, strolling off towards Amaterasu's flames. "I'm gonna go make some ramen."

Twenty minutes passed. Naruto returned and sat down with a cup of steaming noodles. Kiba fell asleep. Yamato's trees burned to the ground.

And finally, after exhausting the two kunoichi and leaving them looking like expendables from a gore film, Itachi's heart wrung out a single, involuntary beat.

* * *

_Thirty-five minutes later._

"Finally," Uchiha Obito muttered under his breath, making the climb back down into the quarry. He'd been forced to leave Itachi's body and the half-dead Sasuke on the rocks for an hour because he'd forgotten he hadn't had any medical supplies in the cave.

The closest market had been six hundred kilometres away and he'd exhausted his chakra in the effort to get there and back with his teleportation jutsu. Granted, he kept an alternate dimension full of miscellaneous stuff if he ever needed it, but since he never really got injured, antibiotic cream and bandages weren't usually on the list.

Hoping the buzzards hadn't gotten to them yet, he jumped down onto the ground and took the drug mart bag from between his teeth.

"Finally," he repeated in a murmur, taking a deep breath as he started forward. His time had come. He would remove Itachi's eyes and tempt Sasuke over to the dark side with the truth about his brother's past.

With Sasuke inevitably running amuck, he would infiltrate the higher echelons of the shinobi world and set his Moon Eye plan into motion. Uchiha Madara would make his return. The world would come to war. And then—

He stopped dead.

The spot was empty. All that remained were several large bloodstains.

He looked around, wondering if Sasuke had come to and moved himself and the body elsewhere. But the land was barren and there wasn't a chakra signature in sight.

The shopping bag slipped from his grasp, spilling rolls of bandages over the stone. He started forward in disbelief, refusing to accept that he'd misplaced them, when his foot brushed something on the ground.

Obito lowered his eyes and felt his heart go still in his chest. There was a discarded ramen cup on the ground.

_No_, he thought faintly, understanding slowly dawning on him. _No, no, no..._

The shock of this devastating realisation, combined with how winded he was from the climb, along with the pre-existing heart condition he didn't know he had, led to only one outcome.

Uchiha Obito suffered a massive heart attack and dropped dead.

And with the presence of the lone buzzard that alighted on Obito's head, a potential chapter in the book of Konoha's history came to a sudden and secretive end.

The Fourth Shinobi World War was over before it even started.

* * *

Danzo was getting prepared for his inauguration speech and was busy scowling as an aide fitted an earpiece into his ear and attached a mic to his robe.

"Bah," he grunted, waving the nitpicking man away. He couldn't be bothered with all this new-fangled technology. If it had been up to him, he would have skipped the ceremony altogether and saved Konoha the tax dollars.

But his advisors had assured him it was necessary to establishing a rapport with the youth, because enrollment at the shinobi academy was at an all-time low. Danzo didn't understand why. Working long hours in inhospitable conditions with a maximum life expectancy of forty seemed fair to him.

He was quite literally ten seconds away from approaching the stand when a sudden commotion at the village gates got the crowd's attention. Team 7 and Team 8 burst into the village, accompanied by Kakashi and Yamato and the presence of two very familiar, severely injured-looking people.

Danzo's eye widened when he realised who Kakashi was carrying. Granted, he couldn't see his face from where he was standing, but the abomination of nature that was his arm started throbbing in an aroused way at the unmistakable scent of Sharingans in the air.

It would have been better for him had he allowed them to slip by unnoticed for the time being, but now he was irritated because he was a minute late in starting and their appearance had thrown off his whole groove.

Feeling the need to vent his ire, he gestured the tech crew to aim the spotlight on the new arrivals and bring attention to the rudeness of the interruption.

"What is he doing here?" Danzo demanded, sounding personally affronted as he pointed to Itachi. He didn't seem to care that the Uchiha was half-dead and dangling over Kakashi's shoulder.

"Uchiha Itachi and Uchiha Sasuke have been captured. They are here to be tried in court for their crimes against Konoha," Yamato announced.

Danzo frowned. "But that would be a waste of tax dollars."

Kakashi and Yamato blinked. "What?"

One of Danzo's advisors approached from behind and whispered into his ear. "What's this about, Danzo-sama?"

Danzo resisted a sigh and turned away from the crowd, impatiently gesturing that he'd be back in a second. He also happened to forget that he left his microphone on after he disappeared behind the stage curtain.

Within the span of a minute, the entirety of Konoha listened to Danzo blow the lid off the biggest inside job in Konoha's history. It happened through the most lackluster exchange imaginable, with Danzo mumbling things along the lines of:

"...wasn't supposed to come back—figured he would die when he got caught spying...no, no, that's the younger one...was supposed to off him but Sarutobi...no, I ordered him...I don't know, I was having a bad day..."

The crowd fell dead silent as the other advisors looked on the empty stage in horror. As they leapt up to go stop him, Danzo emerged again, apparently unaware of what he'd just done.

"There will be no trial," he announced gravely. "I am charging Uchiha Sasuke and Uchiha Itachi with war crimes under our new martial law. They will be executed immediately."

"You can't do that!" Sakura cried indignantly. "Where is Tsunade-sama?"

"Tsunade is indefinitely retired," Danzo said coldly. "I am the new Hokage."

"Like hell you are," Naruto yelled before flying out of nowhere and punching him in the face.

There was instant pandemonium. Other shinobi rushed in, infuriated by what they'd just heard. And since Naruto punching people was an approved national pastime, the rest of the audience swarmed to join in.

It quickly dissolved into a bloodbath, with screams, vandalism, and a full riot breaking out. Danzo's dismembered, eyeball-covered arm flew out of the melee and landed at Kakashi's feet.

Kakashi stared down at it. Then he uttered "to hell with this" before picking it up, grabbing Sasuke and Itachi's bodies and taking off towards the hospital.

By the time the few shinobi who hadn't lost their minds reined in the mob and re-established control, the inauguration stage was demolished and all that remained of Danzo was a blood smear.

Since everybody had been collectively involved in the murder and you couldn't put an entire village in jail, no arrests were made and everyone got to go home.

It was also the second instance of fantastic timing that day for Naruto and the others, because less than twenty-four hours later, Tsunade awoke from her coma.

* * *

Unfortunately, it was to a Konoha in a state of emergency.

Its former Hokage was alive but currently indisposed, and there was the urgent matter of a highly-wanted missing-nin recovering in the hospital as the village registrar struggled to get their records straight.

Sasuke, having already recovered from Sakura's efforts, was told the truth about his brother, at which point he promptly collapsed and suffered a nervous breakdown.

The boy was a wreck, veering between threats to kill them all and crying hysterically because they'd forgotten to tell him that Itachi was still alive.

Having already enough to deal with, they bound him in chakra ropes and dragged him along to Tsunade's office, where the Hokage was dealing with her near-death experience in the best way she knew how.

The stench of alcohol wafted out of the room when they walked in, emanating from the bleary-eyed woman slumped on her desk.

She was only there to sign papers and make things official, because everyone knew that all major political decisions of Konoha were really up to Naruto. Granted, he had no real leadership experience and had the equivalent of a grade six education, but he was idealistic and had the magic talent of punching sense back into people, so in a way he was more than qualified.

A moment after they entered, Kakashi walked into the room humming a tune under his breath.

"I have news," he announced. "Uchiha Itachi is in stable condition and the eye transplant was a success."

A muffled scream interrupted the brief silence that followed. They all looked towards the corner of the room where Sasuke was bound and gagged and now struggling violently.

Naruto slapped his forehead. "Oh, crap! I forgot to tell him."

Moving over to his friend, he undid the gag and placed both hands on his shoulders. "Haha, seriously my bad, Sasuke. I forgot to tell you! Your brother is alive."

Sasuke screamed out some incomprehensible blend of death threats and swear words, eyes wild with the refusal to believe another outlandish lie.

"It's true," Kakashi said calmly, coming over and kneeling next to his old student. "I had a feeling you wouldn't believe us, so..."

He withdrew a Polaroid showing Itachi unconscious in a hospital bed, with a smiling Kakashi standing over him and giving the peace sign.

There was a long stretch of silence as Sasuke stared at the picture in disbelief. Then he collapsed in a heap, weeping his heart out.

Kakashi tucked the photo back into his pocket and steered Naruto back to the Hokage's desk, leaving Sasuke to console himself in the corner.

"It's all true, Baachan," Naruto said feverishly as she rubbed slow circles on her temples. "We all heard it from Danzo himself. None of this was Itachi and Sasuke's fault."

"It's too early and I'm too drunk for this right now," Tsunade said. "So I'll take your word for it."

"What now, though?" Kakashi questioned. "With everything we know, can we just...let them back in?"

Tsunade frowned and took another swig from her bottle. "I don't know, Kakashi. Itachi will be wanted by the other villages for his crimes, and Sasuke committed treason of his own volition." She paused. "But then again they've gained the village's sympathy...it'd save us the tax dollars."

"You bastards!" Sasuke screamed from the corner. "You heartless, lying sacks of piss-shit! Fuck you! I'll kill all of you! I'll—"

Tsunade scowled. "Can you shut him up? My head is killing me."

Naruto rushed over to him and slapped him across the face. "You idiot! Take advantage of this! All the crazy shit you did seems justifiable now."

When he'd managed to subdue Sasuke, Naruto turned back towards Tsunade. "So what do you say, Baachan? This way, we won't have to go chasing after Sasuke anymore and he won't be trying to run. Itachi stays alive, and everything goes back to normal, right?"

"No," Tsunade said bluntly. "Of course not. But I'm nearing the end of my rope and you're next in line for Hokage, so as long as you take full responsibility for this—"

Naruto bobbed his head eagerly.

"Then fine," she concluded, crossing her arms on the desk and putting her head down. "Their citizenships are reinstated. Now go home."

Naruto let out a whoop of joy, pausing long enough to grab a stunned, near-catatonic Sasuke before he ran out of the room.

Kakashi stared at the Hokage in surprise, wondering what on earth had gotten into her. He waited till he heard the footsteps disappear before he stepped forward and spoke in a serious tone.

"Hokage-sama..."

"Huh?" she mumbled.

"...can I get the day off?" Kakashi asked hopefully.

"Hn."

Kakashi beamed, gave her a salute, and walked out whistling.

* * *

Pain.

It was the first thing he became aware of when his thoughts came back into focus.

It was something so familiar he found himself greeting it like an old friend; albeit the sort you didn't like but were compelled to acknowledge because you were seeing them in the grocery store after nine years.

It was dull, though, and his perception of it was muddled. He couldn't quite tell where he was hurting. It felt like everywhere.

The pain ebbed a bit when he became cognizant of noise and light. His eyelids flickered at what was undoubtedly a bright glare. He heard voices.

_Am I in hell?_ He wondered briefly. _If so, it's not so bad._

"He's waking up."

Itachi flinched, not expecting the high-pitched voice so close to his ear. Slowly, his eyes cracked open. Intensely bright light left him squinting for a long moment, but then his eyes adjusted and he made out a window across the room.

The view outside looked hauntingly familiar.

Then he blinked in astonishment.

_I'm not blind_, he realised suddenly.

That wasn't possible. Unless, he really was dead and this was some form of limbo, in which case he could poke himself and check. Reaching up, he aimed to touch his new eyes when a figure appeared at the foot of the bed.

His blood stilled in his veins when he saw who it was.

"Please don't do that," she said, frowning at him. "You just had them transplanted."

Pink hair. The girl on Sasuke's genin team. Was she dead, too?

"I know," she said, smiling at what was apparently a confused look on his face. "Everything seems a little fuzzy right now, but that's the morphine."

Itachi stiffened. _Morphine_?

His mouth felt like the underside of a sponge dropped in acid, but he moved his lips until he managed to string together a hoarse sentence.

"Where am I?"

Before she could answer, another woman, this one with short, dark hair, came up beside her.

"You're in a hospital," the new woman said gently.

Itachi's brow furrowed. Why was she being so _nice_? She knew who he was, no doubt about that. But she had this strangely sympathetic look in her eyes, which didn't make any sense unless he...

Itachi's eyes widened. _Oh, no._

"It's all right," Shizune said softly, resting a hand on his leg. "We know everything."

Itachi only stared up at her blankly.

"How much you sacrificed," Sakura said slowly, shaking her head. "Being a double agent..."

"It wasn't your fault," Shizune continued, trying to sound comforting. "You were too young to do anything about your family's coup."

"You don't have to worry anymore, though," Sakura added, giving him a reassuring pat. "You're safe now, back in Konoha where you belong."

There was an extremely long silence.

Then there was a sudden crash and spike in Itachi's electrocardiograph when he made a lunge for the knife on his lunch tray.

Every patient on the floor suddenly woke to the commotion of shattering dishware and Sakura's frantic screams as Uchiha Itachi tried to commit suicide with a butter knife.

Shizune pinned him down and Sakura wrestled the knife out of his hands.

As they issued a code white for a violent patient, Itachi sagged back into his bed, so numb and disoriented he actually tried to close his eyes and will himself to die. His heart was still beating though, and he couldn't hold his breath because he was starting to hyperventilate.

He shouldn't have been alive.

He Should Not Have Been Alive.

Life had already destroyed him. Life had already taken everything away. He literally had nothing left to give. But by some horrible, heinous twist of fate, his life had been spared.

"Hold his arm," one of the orderlies said in the background.

Something bit into his skin and the result was instantaneous. He went limp, head dropping bonelessly onto his pillow as a winded Shizune and Sakura finally let go and took a step back.

"Yeesh," Sakura said, frowning as she straightened her hair. "You'd think we threatened to kill him or something."

"Yeah," Shizune agreed, looking a little put off. "But the poor thing's been through a lot. He'd probably appreciate it if he saw some familiar faces."

"Good call," Sakura said, turning and leaving with her colleague. Her voice faded down the corridor. "I'll see if can get Sasuke in here tomorrow. Last I heard they started renovating the old house so they can move back in. Had to get rid of all the mold. And those bloodstains, of course..."

Back in the room, a single, despondent tear came out of Uchiha Itachi's eyes.

And somewhere far, far away, tucked in some blackened crevice of the unknown universe, someone started to laugh.


	2. Chapter 2

A Shotgun Full of Rock Salt

By: firefly

Note: Thank you to everyone for their reviews! You guys are awesome. Nothing else to say, so onwards with the chapter! Please enjoy, and remember that reviews are love!

A Shotgun Full of Rock Salt ch.2

Being confined to a hospital bed gave one a lot of time to think.

Granted, Itachi was a meditative person by nature and had spent the majority of his life in the shelter of his own mind, but the hospital was bringing about thoughts he'd always tried to avoid—thoughts of how all those years of following Shisui's philosophy of self-sacrifice were a way to justify his incredibly shitty luck.

Like the time his mother had scolded her husband for not spending quality time with him, and his father had taken that to mean that he could take his four-year-old son into a warzone. His mother had shrieked when he'd returned home blank-faced and covered in gore, and in an attempt to cope with what he'd just witnessed, Itachi had interpreted the event as a sign.

He was meant to do something with his life, he'd realised; all the subsequent horrors and traumas he'd experience were all indicators that he was meant to suffer for the greater good and he latched onto that belief in order to keep himself from going insane.

And being in the shinobi field, he'd felt early on that the universe was a cruel and indifferent place. It was the only other thing that could explain why he suffered so much.

But now he knew that was a lie.

Now he knew that the universe was a sadistic death circus, with a vindictive ringmaster who randomly pointed to people in his audience going "fuck him, fuck her, fuck you, and fuck that guy in particular."

After two decades of utter misery and laughably bad luck, Itachi realised he was 'that guy'.

This was the sort of mood he found himself in when Sakura arrived an hour later with his breakfast.

"Good morning, Itachi-san!" she said cheerfully, oblivious to the utterly vacant look on his face. "You seem to be doing better. How are you feeling?"

Itachi just stared at her, knowing that if he hadn't been a pacifist, he would have lunged at the pink-haired girl and strangled her.

Sakura continued to talk despite his silence, smiling in a secretive sort of way. "It's a good thing you're up, though, because we have a surprise for you."

Itachi didn't bother replying. Nothing surprised him anymore. He wondered what they could possibly have left in store for him when there was a sudden commotion at the door.

"—out of my way!"

"We have a policy about volume, sir. If you can't follow it, we'll have to ask you to leave."

"Let go of me, you despotic scum!"

There was a loud thump as Itachi raised his head in time to see Sasuke knock an orderly unconscious and push another one down the stairs. Once his path was clear, he stumbled into the room and suddenly locked eyes with his brother across the room.

Itachi vaguely realised the wall was lined with what looked like every nurse in the hospital and they didn't seem too bothered by Sasuke battering the staff so long as they could witness this pivotal moment.

Perhaps they expected their near-comatose patient to suddenly rouse with emotion and a smile; maybe a saccharine display of glittering tears and whispered apologies. A nice sentiment, sure, but they really should have been paying attention to his vitals because in that moment Itachi's heart quite literally shrivelled up and died.

But then the weight of his sobbing brother throwing himself on top of him was enough to jar him out of cardiac arrest and he lay there shocked and overcome with emotion—albeit the sort that resembled intense shame, despair, and self-loathing.

The nurses seemed oblivious to his torment and were too busy wiping their tears and squealing silently into their hands to notice the erratic beeping of Itachi's electrocardiograph. He was actually starting to suffocate beneath Sasuke's unrelenting grip and he secretly hoped it would be enough to make his heart give out again when the boy suddenly pulled back.

"Are you hurt?" Sasuke demanded suddenly, his face splotchy and absolutely drenched in tears. "Did I injure you?"

Itachi stared blankly into his little brother's face, losing what felt like a year of life from the sheer amount of stress and heartache the sight caused him. He finally spoke, his voice hoarse.

"I'm sorry, Sas—_mfh—_" Sasuke slapped a hand over Itachi's mouth and shook his head, refusing to let him say more.

"It wasn't your fault," Sasuke said in a broken, yet forceful voice. "Don't say anymore. I'll never let them hurt you again."

Itachi would have wept if he could spare the fluid, but he couldn't so he merely lay there with his eyes closed in a state of anguish. Sasuke remained by his side, mumbling promises and comfort and holding his hand far too tightly.

He was starting to lose circulation when one of the nurses suddenly approached with his medicine. Sasuke immediately let go and stood up, their voices mingling in front of his bed as he continued to lay there in misery.

The sound of Sasuke's escalating voice brought him out of his stupor a moment later, though, and he opened his eyes to the sight of the nurse cowering and slowly retreating at his brother's wrath.

"I'm sorry!" she cried. "I must have mixed up his dosage! Please, just let me get the right one and—"

"Is this another ploy to finish off what you lowlifes started?" Sasuke interrupted, trembling as he advanced on her. "Is that what this is?"

"No!" she pleaded, looking terrified now as he backed her into a corner. "I was just—"

"_What_? What were you trying to do? Kill him?" Sasuke shouted. "Haven't you bastards done enough? _What_ _the hell is wrong with you_?"

The nurse finally burst into tears and ran out of the room.

Itachi stared at his brother in disbelief as Sakura and Shizune merely clucked and steered the infuriated boy back to the bed.

"Relax, Sasuke-kun," Sakura said gently, disturbingly apathetic to him terrorizing the nurse. "Itachi-san is ready to be discharged, anyway. All his tests have checked out and he's ready to go home."

This time Itachi looked at Sakura in disbelief. "I am?"

"He is?" Sasuke asked, suddenly sounding calm and hopeful.

Shizune nodded. "We managed to design a medicine that targets all twelve of the specific, life-threatening problems Itachi-san has and he should be able to recover fully within a few weeks."

Itachi's mind went blank. This wasn't real. He was dreaming. How on earth was that possible when he'd literally been _dead with his chest split open_ a few days ago?

Nobody seemed to notice the wild questions and intense turmoil going through his head and they turned towards him with warm, smiling expressions that immediately formed a knot of dread in his stomach.

He knew hell had become his reality when Sasuke reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Come on, nii-san," he said placidly. "We're going home."

* * *

It didn't take long for news to leak that Konoha had undergone a few changes; after all, the mass lynching of their Hokage Danzo had been a public event. But it wasn't so much the brutal murder of the village leader that had the other villages fuming as much as it was the return of the last remaining Uchiha members.

Absolved of their crimes or not, how could Konoha shelter S-rank criminals who'd been responsible for the Kazekage's death, numerous assassinations, property damage, and various other crimes against humanity? Reinstating their citizenships was like a slap in the face to all the people who'd suffered at the hands of an Uchiha, a slap that was particularly vicious when one considered all the work that had gone into repairing village relationships.

That was the news that Kakashi, now unofficial advisor and tutor to the Rokudaime, was currently reporting.

Tsunade had pretty much jumped ship after her recovery and had gleefully handed the torch off to Naruto. The boy was currently sitting at his desk, dressed in his new Hokage hat and uniform—customized in bright orange—and throwing pencils into the ceiling tiles.

"So some old fogies wanna stop us from giving Sasuke and Itachi a second chance and want them executed?" Naruto summarised.

Kakashi nodded. "Pretty much."

"No problem," Naruto declared confidently, jumping out of his seat. "Just show me who I need to punch and I'll set 'em straight."

"Seeing as how you're in a position of power now, that simply won't work anymore."

"What?" Naruto squinted at Kakashi in confusion. "Why not?"

Kakashi looked at him tiredly. "Because punching people is illegal, Naruto."

"But..." Naruto gestured to his robes, flabbergasted. "But I'm the Hokage!"

"Being Hokage means your career as a ninja is over," Kakashi said. "From now on, you're all about peacekeeping, signing papers, and building the economy. You will never use your training and you won't be involved in missions. Fact is, unless there's a war or the village is compromised, you'll never punch another person again."

A long silence settled upon the room. Kakashi lowered his eyes from where he'd been staring at the ceiling fan, noticing that his announcement seemed to have sent Naruto into shock.

Seeing that he'd broken his former student, Kakashi sighed and shrugged his shoulders. "Typically, when this sort of thing happens, you need the support of a major neighbouring village to prove your decision isn't biased or self-serving. When that happens, the other, smaller villages don't really have a choice but to follow through and accept it."

Naruto slowly came out of his reverie, seeming terribly confused by all of this. "How...how do I do that?"

"Well, through a gesture of diplomacy. Who is Konoha's current biggest, most powerful ally?"

"Suna," Naruto said uncertainly.

"Right. Now here's a few things to consider. Suna has been victimized the most by the Akatsuki and even had their Kazekage kidnapped and killed. How do you expect to get their support when you basically let an ex-Akatsuki back into the village?"

Naruto seemed very sobered by all this. He settled into a deep, meditative silence. Kakashi watched him, slightly impressed now that he saw how much thought Naruto was putting into all this.

Then Naruto suddenly raised a finger. "Question."

"Yes?" Kakashi asked.

Naruto's face went blank. "What's a diplomacy?"

Kakashi looked at him wordlessly.

_This village is fucked, _he thought.

* * *

Itachi stood in the middle of the street for about ten minutes, completely motionless.

The Uchiha mansion loomed in the distance, casting a long shadow and blotting out the sun. He'd felt sick to his stomach the moment the Uchiha grounds came into view and now he was quite sure he was going to vomit if he moved any closer.

"I'm having it remodeled," Sasuke assured him a moment later, "so we can start new. It won't even look like the same house anymore when it's done."

Itachi couldn't speak, so he simply took a long, shaky breath and stiffly followed his brother towards the house.

True to his word, Sasuke's construction crew was busy at work, running in and out of the house with paint, wood, and tools. Hammering and sawing could be heard in all corners of the estate and sawdust billowed out in a constant stream through the windows.

It made Itachi feel marginally better, distracting him enough that he could enter the house without too much hesitance. Sasuke forced him into a dust mask before he pulled him along to see some of the new rooms.

"See?" Sasuke said, gesturing to the newly painted walls and the caution tape blocking off some of the rooms. "It'll be like new when it's done. In the mean time, we'll be staying in another wing."

Itachi followed him cautiously, feeling tense when he glanced into one of the remodeled spaces. Sasuke continued talking in the background, unaware that his brother had stepped into a room where the caution tape had fallen off until he flicked the light switch.

The dark, dusty floor became illuminated and there was absolutely nothing inside save for the giant, dark splotch in the middle of the floor.

Itachi took one look at the bloodstain and left the room to go throw up. Sasuke stared after him in confusion, unaware that his brother had just suffered a PTSD relapse.

The remainder of the day was spent outside until night fell and the noise of construction faded into silence. Perhaps his mind had been addled by the shock of being in his old house again, but for a short while Itachi found himself thinking that maybe, just maybe, Sasuke was right.

Maybe with the new house and his new nonsensical bill of health, they really could start over.

He very quickly realised the error of having a positive thought when the first week in the house went by.

One thing, above all else, became startlingly clear to him once the shock and his scattered thoughts had settled.

His little brother had lost his mind.

It wasn't immediately apparent, of course. Nothing in his life was that simple. It merely started with Sasuke being with him the moment he woke up to the moment he went to sleep. Then it progressed to explosive tirades sounding off through the walls when Sasuke occasionally left to go check on the construction crew's progress.

He caught him doing strange things, like knocking on ceilings to test their soundness and emptying the cutlery drawer into a trash bag. There were a bunch of other little oddities, but it was nothing compared to what had happened two days later.

It had taken every ounce of self-possession he had to keep from falling out of bed one night when he opened his eyes to the sight of Sasuke standing over him at 2:30 in the morning.

He jerked in surprise, a justifiable reaction when anybody else would have screamed. Blinking away the grogginess, he looked up at his brother in vexation.

"Sasuke?" he finally croaked. "What are you doing?"

Sasuke stood there in silence for a long moment, merely looking at him.

"Just checking," he finally said, then turned around and left.

_All right_, Itachi had thought, feeling disturbed. _So he's worried about me. That's completely normal._

But it only got worse. Sasuke followed him into the bathroom. He got rid of anything even remotely sharp. Even the ends of his chopsticks had been filed down. Then he threw them away altogether and relegated Itachi to using a spoon.

Itachi watched all this happen with a helpless sort of acceptance. This was all of his fault, of course. But that didn't stop him from feeling miserable about the entire situation.

It wasn't as though his love for Sasuke had lessened. He loved his little brother more than life itself—which was why he was currently considering swallowing the contents of an aspirin bottle in the medicine cabinet.

Sasuke happened to be 'passing by' and caught him staring into the cabinet. He stopped, his gaze falling on the bottle of aspirin. Then his eyes narrowed.

"Do you have a headache?" he demanded.

"No," Itachi said, trying to smile a little to put him at ease. "I'm fine."

Sasuke stared at him for a few seconds before he slowly nodded. "Naruto wants to see me. I'll be back in an hour."

Then he grabbed the bottle of aspirin and flushed it down the toilet. Itachi said nothing and let him, settling for trudging out of the hall and onto the verandah.

It was rather delusional and cruel of their friends to think he could return to the place where he'd murdered his entire family. So, in an effort to keep himself occupied and sane, Itachi frequently left the house to find things to do around the village. Some of these included reading to the elderly at the retirement home. Nobody there recognized him the next day, let alone as the infamous Uchiha Itachi, so it was a pleasant, if not boring reprieve.

His latest venture, however, and the one he was currently headed to, was the training and private tutelage of Hyuuga Hiashi's daughter, Hanabi.

Not that he had any real interest in it. He'd simply spotted the girl training one day and it had only taken one look for him to realise the little psychopath was on her way to becoming a shinobi beast. Subsequently, it occurred to him it would be very easy for him to be fatally injured during training. 'Accidentally,' of course.

Why Hyuuga Hiashi felt comfortable and willing enough to let him into the Hyuuga compound, let alone near his precious daughter, was beyond him.

He had an inkling the old fool was as power-hungry as his own father had been, and it wasn't below the man to allow a mass murderer into his home to teach his little girl the delicate art of killing people.

He got there on time and met his student in the Hyuuga courtyard, beginning their training as was per usual until forty minutes into the routine.

"Very good, Hanabi-san," he said, watching the girl take her fighting stance again. He cast a furtive look across the courtyard to make sure no one was around before speaking. "But this time, strike to kill. Preferably here..."

He made a pointed gesture towards his heart.

Hanabi gave him a peculiar look. "Isn't that dangerous?"

_Yes, _Itachi thought. _Yes, it is._

"Be careful not to overestimate yourself," he said instead, hoping the comment would anger her enough to do as he'd asked.

It worked. She bared her teeth and lunged at him with murder in her eyes. He left himself open, waiting for the moment his heart would explode in his chest when a voice cut across the courtyard.

"Hanabi!"

Hinata and Neji were standing at the entrance, looking appalled.

"What did you think you were doing?" Hinata gasped, so shocked she managed the entire sentence without stuttering.

"But—" Hanabi looked put off, glancing between her sister and Itachi's disappointed face. "But he said—"

"That's enough, Hanabi-sama," Neji said sternly. "Training is over. We'll see to it you get another lecture on self-restraint."

Hanabi glared at Itachi. When her sister and cousin weren't looking, she reached up and threateningly ran her thumb across her throat.

Itachi only smiled sadly.

"Please accept our apologies," Neji said with a bow as Hinata dragged her sister into the house. "I'm afraid we'll have to cancel future training until Hanabi-sama's issues are resolved."

Itachi nodded, watching them wistfully as they disappeared into the house and left him there. Turning, he left the compound and started home again.

There was nothing waiting for him there and he didn't have anything else to do until Sasuke got home, but Itachi was nothing if not resilient.

Besides, if all else failed, he had enough faith in his misfortune to hope a meteor would hit him on the way back.

* * *

Kakashi found that he was learning more about Naruto's personality in one week than he had in the past five years.

Apparently, the boy did not handle stress very well. It he couldn't fix a problem using some form of violence, he pretty much fell apart. That much was evidenced by the fact that Naruto hadn't bathed in seventy-two hours and was currently pacing his office wearing only his pants and Hokage hat.

Sakura, Sasuke, and Sai were also in attendance because Naruto seemed incapable of functioning without them. Well, Sai and Sakura were there for that reason. Sasuke was there because Naruto was giving him the bad news.

"So basically," Naruto said while pacing and furiously biting his fingernails, "the other villages want you and your brother dead because of your past crimes. I tried negotiating with them. I tried telling them you've changed but—"

"But there aren't enough dicks on earth for him to blow to get them to change their minds," Sai summarised pleasantly.

Sakura smacked him.

"So what are you saying, you can't do anything?" Sasuke demanded of his stricken friend.

"No," Kakashi interrupted, stepping between the two of them, "he's saying the regular tactics aren't working. It's time for something drastic."

"Like what?" Sakura asked in alarm. "You're not going to do something that'll cause a war, will you?"

"I hope this doesn't involve the ANBU," Sai said. "I've only just started appreciating my life."

"If you can't guarantee Itachi's safety right now, I'm going to kill everyone," Sasuke threatened.

"For God's sake, shut the fuck up!" Naruto screeched suddenly.

Everyone fell silent, shocked by the outburst.

Surreptitiously, Naruto turned away and withdrew a flask from his back pocket. He took a quick swig before stuffing it out of sight.

They all saw but pretended not to notice.

"Listen," he said hoarsely as he turned back around, "here's how it is. My way isn't working, okay? So I'm going for a gamble; a gesture of diplo—diploma—"

"Diplomacy," Kakashi supplied.

"Right. And right now the only one I've got on my side is Suna." Naruto paused, taking a breath and looking as though he wasn't proud of what he was going to say next. "Gaara owes me. Big time. So he agreed to help and we talked about what we can do to get the other villages to accept this."

"You guilt-tripped the Kazekage into supporting you?" Sakura asked, incredulous.

Naruto flinched. "I didn't have any other choice."

"So what, then?" Sasuke pressed impatiently. "What did you agree on?"

Naruto couldn't bring himself to speak for a few seconds. Then he reached into his pocket, pulled out an official decree, and unfurled it in front of them.

When they all leaned in and saw what it said, Naruto took off his hat, smiled shakily, and patted Sasuke on the shoulder. "Tell your brother congratulations."

* * *

Itachi was in the backyard watering the weeds when Sasuke arrived half an hour later. He didn't miss the odd, triumphant smirk lingering on his brother's face when he called him back inside.

Slightly concerned, he went into the house and found Sasuke sitting at the table.

"I talked to Naruto," Sasuke said, gesturing for him to sit. "We finally have a way of clearing our names."

Itachi slowly sat down in disappointment, realising this was just another update on their controversial statuses as re-integrated missing-nin. Sasuke had been seeing Naruto about it all week, raising concerns that the other shinobi villages weren't as forgiving of their past crimes.

If Naruto had somehow gotten them to change their minds, it didn't really mean anything to him, Itachi thought tiredly. He half-listened to Sasuke as he explained what had happened, not really paying attention until he heard something that gave him pause.

"Wait," he interrupted, positive he must have misheard. "They want me to do what?"

"Get married," Sasuke said.

Itachi just stared at him.

"By this week," Sasuke clarified.

A long silence descended upon the room. Itachi looked at him as if he'd gone insane.

This wasn't happening. No. Absolutely not. That was the final straw. That was as far as he was willing to go to keep up the charade that was his life. There was no way he was going to ruin someone else's life just so he could continue on with his miserable existence. Doing so would be the height of depravity and selfishness.

"No," Itachi finally said.

Sasuke blinked. "What?"

"I won't do it."

There was a pause as Sasuke slowly digested these words. Then he suddenly nodded. "I know you don't want a big wedding. It's just going to be paperwork."

"No," Itachi repeated, reaching forward and grasping his brother's shoulders. "Sasuke, _no_. I will not get married."

Sasuke looked confused, as though his brother was speaking gibberish. "But you have to."

"No, I do not. This is an option, Sasuke. An option I am not willing to take."

"But it'll fix everything—"

"I know Naruto is your friend," Itachi interrupted, growing frightened of the way his little brother was ignoring everything he was saying, "and he has been a better brother to you than I, but he is an inept Hokage and has no idea what he's doing. I won't do this."

"Because it's Naruto's decision?" Sasuke questioned. "I can get Tsunade—"

"_No_." Itachi released Sasuke's shoulders and grabbed his face, holding it tightly enough so the boy was completely focused on what he said next and had no way of misinterpreting it.

"Sasuke," he said, as slowly and carefully as he could so he would understand, "_I don't_ _want to_."

Sasuke just stared at him, uncomprehending. Itachi was patient, however, and gave him a whole minute to let the statement sink in. Gradually, Sasuke's expression cleared and he nodded.

Relieved, Itachi let him go and watched as Sasuke looked down at the floor thoughtfully. A few moments passed. Then Sasuke raised his head and smiled.

"You're going to go through with it," he said calmly, "or I'm going to destroy Konoha."

There was a long silence. Itachi looked at him expressionlessly for a full minute. Then he slowly crossed his arms on the table and buried his face in them.

"I'll let them know of your decision," Sasuke said as he rose from his seat. He paused long enough to pat him on his shoulder on his way out. "Naruto sends his blessings."


	3. Chapter 3

A Shotgun Full of Rock Salt

By: firefly

Note: Some tropes were meant to be broken. Please enjoy, and thank you for your reviews. :)

A Shotgun Full of Rock Salt ch.3

Normally something like an arranged marriage between two villages didn't require the involvement of the other kages, but the Raikage and Mizukage felt a meeting was necessary when one of the betrothed was an international criminal and the leader of Suna had apparently lost his mind.

As a result, Suna was buzzing with rumours that the Kazekage was holding a conference with the other leaders that very afternoon. What the meeting concerned, exactly, remained to be seen.

"Has everyone arrived?" Gaara questioned as he strode towards the room.

"Just the Raikage and Mizukage," Kankuro replied as he walked alongside his brother. "Tsuchikage's all for it, so he didn't bother showing up. I think he's hoping Konoha will tear itself apart, to be honest."

Gaara nodded to himself. "You still haven't told her?"

Kankuro made a zipping motion across his lips.

"Good," Gaara murmured to himself. He stopped in front of the hall and Kankuro pushed the doors open with a dramatic flourish.

Members of the Suna entourage respectfully rose as Gaara entered the room. The Raikage and Mizukage remained seated alongside their bodyguards, watching their young colleague inscrutably as he took his seat at the head of the table.

Behind him, Temari exchanged a curious look with Kankuro, having no idea what was going on. Gaara had summoned her for an impromptu meeting with the kages but had neglected to tell her what it was about.

She tried to get Kankuro to throw her a hint, but her brother merely cleared his throat and pretended not to notice.

"Before I progress," Gaara said to the heavy silence, "the floor is open to any comments."

He turned respectfully to the enormous man on his left. "Raikage?"

"Are you mad, boy?" he immediately demanded. "Why are you defending Konoha's decision to let that scumbag back in after what he's done?"

"I'm afraid I must agree," Mizukage said with a frown. "We understand your alliance with Konoha, but resorting to a political marriage—between one of your own and a renowned terrorist, no less—brings me to question your sanity, Kazekage."

Temari had to fight to keep her jaw from dropping at the remarks. She aimed an incredulous look at the back of Gaara's head before looking questioningly at Kankuro. He only turned his gaze towards the ceiling and coughed again.

Gaara made no reaction to the comments and let them finish before speaking.

"I understand your concerns," he said evenly. "But I must remind you that Uchiha Itachi has been cleared of all criminal charges by Konoha law."

The Raikage snorted. "So what? That doesn't change the fact that he committed crimes against us all. Konoha's new Hokage is a crackpot for thinking otherwise."

Mizukage's brow furrowed. "For you to support the Hokage's decision, after the fact that Uchiha Itachi was responsible for extracting the Ichibi and subsequently your death...I'm completely baffled. Please explain your motivations."

_Yes, Gaara, please explain_, Temari thought in disbelief at what she was hearing.

Gaara waited a few seconds to ensure they were all finished before speaking. "These are all viable concerns and I assure you I have already considered them at length."

He paused a moment, looking to be in deep contemplation. "I believe the time has come for a shift in our thinking. As you said, Mizukage, I have decided this despite Uchiha Itachi's transgressions against myself and my village. With the dissolution of Akatsuki and Konoha's retrieval of Uchiha Sasuke, we have our first true opportunity to establish peace between our villages. Although I am within my rights to have a criminal extradited for prosecution, I recognize that doing so will create tension between Konoha and Suna, and the chance for peace will be lost. As such, I have chosen to follow the Hokage's example and forgive Uchiha Itachi for his crimes."

"That's very noble and idealistic," the Raikage said dryly, "but unlike you, we're not so forgiving. You say peace between our villages is at stake, but I need something more tangible before I even _think_ about supporting your crazy decision."

Gaara nodded solemnly. "I understand. Which is why I am going to share this story...one that swayed my own feelings and involves a person very close to me."

Raikage and Mizukage blinked in surprise. Temari glanced at Gaara in confusion, wondering who he was talking about and where he was going with all this.

As he began and the minutes slowly started ticking by, one thing, if anything, became clear to all of them.

Gaara was an exceptional storyteller.

Temari stared at him in amazement as he proceeded to tell the most asinine, nauseatingly sentimental story she'd ever heard. She half-expected the other kages to interrupt or walk out on him, but instead their expressions of scepticism slowly faded. The Mizukage leaned forward, resting her chin in her hands and rapt with attention. Her bodyguards were listening, as well, and Temari didn't miss the way the bespectacled one removed his glasses every now and then to wipe at his eyes.

The Raikage was frowning, but only because he was listening so closely, and he elbowed Darui in the ribs when the man cleared his throat.

Their concentration was baffling, because personally Temari thought the story made Itachi sound like a simpering pansy and the girl a complete fucking idiot.

Without all the inane details, the story basically boiled down to this:

Uchiha Itachi and this mystery girl had first met as children in Konoha during the chuunin exams. The girl had been so impressed by his performance that she had sought him out to confess her admiration, and her beauty had made such an impression on the stoic prodigy that he had instantly fallen in love with her. Naively, they agreed that they'd marry in the future and had vowed to wait for one another.

Their love only grew as they continued encountering each other throughout the years, including through Itachi's ascent in the shinobi ranks, his defection, and his eventual affiliation with Akatsuki.

How and why they kept meeting so frequently despite being from two different villages didn't matter. Nor did it matter how absurd the circumstances were. Whether Itachi had kidnapped her and held her hostage simply to have an excuse to see her, or they'd spent the night in a cave together because they hadn't had the foresight to check the weather—their love was enough of an explanation.

But alas, their secret trysts couldn't continue. Itachi, conflicted by his shameful secret of being a double agent, couldn't reveal the truth to his love without risking discovery. So he assumed a cold front and pushed her away, even though it tore at him to the point where he started coughing up blood.

And the girl, torn between loyalty to her village and her love for her criminal beau, tragically decided she could no longer fraternize with the enemy and was forced to turn her back on him.

"And now," Gaara concluded quietly, "with Konoha's decision to clear Uchiha Itachi's charges, they finally have an opportunity to reunite and be together. Only one obstacle remains, and that is backing from my fellow kages."

There was a dramatic pause as Gaara lifted his gaze from the table and looked imploringly at his colleagues.

"Raikage, Mizukage," he said solemnly. "I need your support."

There was a long silence.

Then the Mizukage slowly lifted her chin from her hands and drew back with a wistful sigh. "Wow. An extraordinary love like that...it's no wonder you saw past his crimes."

Gaara nodded as the older woman wiped a tear and comforted the weeping Chojuro against her bosom. The other guardsman Ao was blinking furiously at the ceiling.

Across the table, the Kumo entourage were in a similar state.

"Raikage-sama," C whispered, "are you crying?"

"No," he said gruffly. "I'm sweating."

"From your eyes?" Darui asked sceptically.

"It's really hot in here, damn it!"

Gaara waited until they'd gotten a hold of themselves before he spoke.

"I see you can tell what is truly at stake here," he said. "The time to act is now. Can I count on your support?"

"Absolutely," the Mizukage murmured with a dreamy sigh. "There's hope for me yet..."

Gaara turned expectantly to the Raikage.

The man cleared his throat and hastily wiped his face with his huge hands. "Well, er—this is—highly irregular but..." he trailed off, his voice dying into a mutter. "Bee would never forgive me otherwise. You have my support."

Gaara graciously thanked him for his decision as Temari stared at them like she'd entered the twilight zone. Granted, she didn't really agree with Gaara's decision to forgive an ex-Akatsuki and have him marry a Suna citizen, but at least her brother's explanation had been earnest and made a_ little_ sense.

But _this_—how did this ridiculous claptrap convince the two leaders of Kumo and Kiri to forgive an international terrorist where reason had failed?

Temari found herself wondering if perhaps their drinks had been poisoned.

Then the Mizukage suddenly lit up and asked the obvious question. "Who is this girl, anyway?"

Gaara smiled faintly. "As you can see, she's been incredibly brave and collected about all of this. She's standing right behind me."

Temari blinked and turned around to look, only to find herself facing a wall. Then she realised they were all staring at her.

There was a long moment of silence. Then—

"I wish you a happy marriage," the Raikage said in a roughly tender voice.

Temari gaped, stupefied. "..._huh_?"

* * *

_One hour later._

"This is a joke, right?"

Gaara observed his livid sister from behind his desk, hands folded neatly in front of him. Kankuro stood close by, less out of loyalty and more out of a need for protection in case Temari tried decapitating him.

"I'm afraid not, Temari," Gaara said. "The Hokage and I have decided it is the best course of action."

Temari uttered a frightening sound somewhere between a laugh and a snarl. "No, no seriously. You went behind my back and arranged a marriage without my consent? To _Uchiha Itachi_ of all people?"

"Yes."

"_Are you out of your mind_?"

Gaara looked at his sister with a solemn expression. "Naruto asked it of me. I couldn't say no."

"But I'm your sister!" she protested. "Don't I take precedence over some guy from another village?"

"His argument was very compelling," Gaara said, wrinkling his brow slightly. She noticed the way he reached up to touch his forehead—the exact place Naruto had headbutted him years ago. "I can't quite recall the details. But he saved me from the darkness and it's a debt I can never repay."

"_That's _your reasoning?" she cried in outrage. "So if Naruto asked you to jump off a cliff, you would do it?"

Gaara's subsequent silence only infuriated her because he actually seemed to be thinking about it.

Kankuro finally decided to step in before Temari exploded. "It's not so bad, Temari. You like plants, don't you? And Konoha's full of plants."

Temari stared at him with her mouth hanging open. She was actually hurt her brothers seemed so nonchalant about this.

"Why are you so okay with this?" she demanded. "He extracted Shukaku and killed Gaara!"

"Gaara forgave him, didn't he? And it isn't that big a deal," Kankuro said, scratching his head. "It's just paperwork. Plus everyone thinks you're gonna die an old maid, anyway."

Temari bristled. "It's the principle, you idiot. And I—"

"Temari," Gaara interrupted, looking at her seriously. "The only thing stopping Uchiha Sasuke from destroying Konoha is the guaranteed safety of his brother. By doing this, you will be saving Konoha, and possibly us, from another war."

"How does that make _any sense_?" Temari exploded. "How does marrying Uchiha Itachi make it so his crazy little shit of a brother doesn't kill everyone? They need to put him in a mental hospital, not get me married!"

"They wouldn't have suggested it if it held no credence," Gaara said calmly.

Temari just stared at him, flabbergasted. Her mouth open and closed a few times.

"This is insane," she finally declared.

"So is that a yes?" Kankuro ventured.

He shrank back when Temari shot him a look of pure venom. Then she glanced at Gaara and the official decree on the desk, a look of betrayal overshadowing her anger.

"You're going to regret this," she said shakily. "Both of you."

Then she turned and stormed out of the room. The door slammed shut behind her, upsetting a stack of paperwork that went tumbling to the floor.

Kankuro waited until the footsteps completely receded before he released the breath he'd been holding. "Jeez..."

"She'll come around," Gaara said as he stood up with the decree. "I need to contact Naruto about this immediately."

Kankuro nodded and moved to accompany him out the door, only to pause midway and throw him a surprised look.

"By the way, that stunt in the meeting room was impressive. I can't believe you made that whole story up."

Gaara was quiet for a moment. "I didn't make it up."

Kankuro blinked. "Then how did you—"

"These stories exist," Gaara said vaguely before walking away. "About me, about us all, in a dark, fathomless place you shouldn't venture."

Kankuro stared after him in concern, inwardly hoping the bizarre comment didn't mean Gaara was actually reading the crazy self-insert stories his fangirls were sending him.

* * *

Temari had hoped the entire farce had been a result of mass insanity or some dream she'd conjured up in a delirious fever, but fate wasn't to be in her favour. Within forty-eight hours, she was married, her name stamped on some official papers that would never again see the light of day.

She watched morosely as the paperwork was filed away into a vault and her backstabbing brothers presented her with a coffeemaker as a wedding present.

She held onto hope, though, even when it dwindled to frayed threads a few days later when Gaara literally stood with her at the border and kicked her out of the village.

"Thank you for your sacrifice," Gaara said in a serene voice as he raised his hand. "Goodbye, sister."

"Write often," Kankuro added cheerfully. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

Temari was past the point of anger at this stage. She looked between the two of them with unconcealed desperation, on the verge of begging if she could stay when Gaara's expression suddenly changed and he started towards her.

She stared at him, hoping against hope he'd had a sudden flash of clarity when he stopped next to the jounin guards escorting her.

"Make sure she doesn't run away," Gaara said, slipping him a wad of cash. "And if she tries, sedate her."

Temari gaped when her youngest brother casually strolled back to Kankuro and they walked away, departing with a wave and without a single backwards glance.

A moment later, one of the nearby jounin took a hold of her elbow and gently steered her in the other direction, even as she continued to stare back at the border in shock.

It took a long time for her to fully understand what had just happened, but by the time they arrived in Konoha three days later, Temari had gathered her bearings and had resigned herself to a sullen silence. Still, as they ascended the steps to the Hokage's office, she had to remind herself not to punch a hole in Naruto's head when she saw him.

Upon stepping into the room, she was greeted by a few people she only vaguely remembered. The only truly familiar face was Sakura. The others were Kakashi the Copy Ninja and some effeminate looking weirdo in a crop top.

"It's been a long time, Temari-san," Sakura greeted, looking relieved to see her. "We're so glad to see you."

"Where's the Hokage?" Temari asked frostily.

Sakura's smile flickered at her tone and her eyes shifted uncertainly to the left. "Um..."

"I'm right here..."

Temari blinked at the familiar voice and craned her neck to look past the others. There was nobody else there save for a dirty-looking hobo wearing orange pants and the Hokage's hat. When he lifted his head and Temari got a good look at his face, her jaw slackened in shock.

"_Naruto_?"

"Hi, Temari," he said hoarsely, giving her a wavering smile. "How was your journey?"

Temari instantly felt her anger evaporate in place of disbelief and revulsion. Naruto's eyes were bloodshot and he had a few scraggly hairs growing out of his chin. His pants and fingers were covered in ink and ramen stains. She detected a faint, alcoholic odor emanating from his desk.

Before she could speak, Naruto shakily got to his feet and circled around the desk to stand before the rest of them. Then he pulled off his hat and dropped to his knees, prostrating himself in front of her. Temari took a step back in surprise as Kakashi sighed and Sakura buried her face in her hands.

"I'm sorry," Naruto wailed into the floor. "I'm sorry I had to do this to you. Please don't hate me, Temari. I didn't want to, but it was the only thing I could do..." he shook his head back and forth against the floor, weeping bitterly, "..._the only thing I could do_..."

Temari watched blankly as Kakashi came over and lifted the Hokage off the ground. Naruto dropped his head and leaned against his old teacher, still whimpering as the man patted him on the back and guided him to his desk.

There was an awkward silence.

"Hello," Sai said suddenly.

"Uh...hi," Temari said, perplexed by the vapid smile on the boy's face. "Wait, I'm confused. Who are you? And why are you all here?"

The boy's smile widened. "My name is—"

"We're here to offer support and answer any questions you might have," Sakura interrupted. "And to say congratulations, I suppose."

Temari's expression flattened. "Gee, I didn't exactly jump at the chance of marrying a half-dead terrorist, but thank you."

Naruto flinched and muttered another apology.

Kakashi glanced towards them, still patting Naruto's back. "Half-dead? I wouldn't say that. Sakura pulled some healing mojo just short of Edo Tensei."

"You healed him?" Temari asked sceptically. "Wasn't he terminally ill?"

"It was a hard case," Sakura said modestly. "And he was clinically dead. But, with the recent advances in science, we managed to save him."

Temari looked unconvinced. "But...how?"

Sakura gave her a bemused look in return. "I told you. With science."

Temari paused for a moment. "What disease did he have, anyway?"

There was a long silence. Nobody seemed to know.

Naruto looked desperately around the room and decided to answer before she could change her mind.

"The plague," he blurted.

At Temari's horrified expression, Sakura raised her hands in a placating way and shot Naruto a glare. "I promise you, it's nothing contagious. Itachi-san is perfectly fine!"

"I have a question," Sai said suddenly. "Did it have to be Temari-san? A show of amicability between villages can be proven with a marriage to any Suna citizen. Couldn't it be someone less conspicuous? Like a civilian?"

They all looked at Sai like he was speaking a foreign language.

"What did he say?" Naruto asked, scratching his head.

"Ignore him," Sakura said irritably. "This is serious. We don't have time for Sai's crazy suggestions."

"Drat," Sai said, looking at the copy of _Logic and Reasoning_ in his hand, "another failed attempt." He threw the book in the fire.

"Look," Kakashi finally sighed as he sauntered up to Temari. "We all know this is a sham marriage. You aren't going to find any support or guidance here. To be honest, I was only here to stop you from killing our Hokage."

He paused, withdrawing an official-looking scroll and handing it to her with a slip of paper. "This is all you need. Your official Konoha citizenship and your house address. The rest is history."

Temari slowly took the items from him, her expression dissolving into one of resignation. There was a long silence.

"If it's any consolation," Kakashi said after a while, "he's probably not going to live that long."

"So then I'll be a widow," Temari said flatly. "Wonderful."

"We'll be here if you need anything," Sakura offered.

Temari managed a stiff nod and lifted her bag off the floor. She turned and left without another word.

She was inwardly glad none of them moved to follow or help with her luggage—even if it was kind of assholish of them not to. She needed to be alone for a while.

Fortunately, the long walk to her new house gave her ample time and she watched with mounting apprehension as the bustling village tapered off into a section of charred woods and crumbling houses.

It got progressively darker from there, with her thinking she'd taken a wrong turn somewhere until she brushed through some overgrowth and emerged onto an enormous, barren property. She knew she had the right place without checking the address. The cracked, peeling fan emblem on the wall was unmistakable.

Slowly, she ambled forward until she was standing at the gates.

There was an air of eeriness about the place. Everything seemed to echo on the property and a cold, cloudy mist drifted over the mansion. It was dead silent save for the caws of far-off ravens and the muffled sounds of construction work. A jackhammer rattled somewhere in the distance.

It looked like a setting for a horror movie. But, considering its history, she supposed it was only appropriate.

Fighting a shiver, she shouldered her bag and reluctantly started towards the entrance. The verandah steps creaked beneath her feet and a broken wind chime tinkled faintly above the door. Reaching out, she raised her hand to knock.

The door swung open before her knuckles could even make contact.

A pair of suspicious, familiar-looking eyes peered at her from within the darkness of the house. Then recognition flickered in them and the figure stepped forward onto the threshold.

"Sabaku no Temari," Sasuke greeted without warmth. His eyes flicked over her cautiously before he opened the door all the way. "Welcome."

"Thanks," she muttered, stepping past him and into the house.

The thick smell of incense blanketed her as she took in the old, dusty surroundings. There were no lights save for the cold sunlight panelling the halls and rooms. The sight of caution tape combined with sheet-draped furniture told her the place was under renovation. Besides that, faded photographs and clan memorabilia stacked the mantelpiece in the back. The house was completely still and silent.

As she slowly came to terms with the fact that she'd be living here, the door closed behind her and Sasuke obstructed her view when he came to stand in front of her.

"Do you have any weapons or incendiaries on you?" he asked flatly.

Temari gave him a blank look. "No. Should I?"

Sasuke seemed only slightly mollified by her answer before his gaze dropped to her bag. "I need to check that."

She had the right to refuse, of course, but it was quickly becoming clear to her that her new brother-in-law was a few screws short of a toolbox. Realising it wasn't worth starting her new life on a bad note, Temari relented and handed it to him.

He quickly rifled through it as she watched uneasily. Finding nothing out of the ordinary, he zipped it closed and handed it to her again.

"This is the north wing," he stated. "From now on it's off-limits to everyone but the construction crew. You'll be staying in the east wing on the second floor. Dinner is at seven."

There was a brief silence.

"...okay," Temari said eventually, realising he was finished and wasn't going to give her a tour.

Sasuke seemed satisfied by her answer. His eyes shifted to look out the window behind her and narrowed slightly. "I'll give you a full list of rules after you unpack. Stay in the east wing and don't open the windows."

Before she could ask why, he quickly walked past her and opened the front door. It closed with a bang an instant later, and she glanced out the window to see Sasuke striding across the property towards the construction crew.

Bemused, she turned away from the window and walked a little further into the house.

She peeked into one of the rooms. There was a giant, dark splotch in the middle of the floor. Grimacing, she straightened and backed away towards the other side of the house. Eventually, she emerged into the east wing, finding it much more liveable than the last wing she'd been in.

The air was stuffy, though, and for some reason all the windows were closed.

She recalled Sasuke telling her not to open any of them, and inwardly she told him to shove it as she strode over to the kitchen window and cracked it open.

When she peered outside, the aforementioned boy was standing on the verandah, talking angrily to the contractor. He was holding one of the long wooden stakes the workers had left on the verandah and shaking it in the contractor's face.

The contractor shrugged helplessly and shook his head. That apparently hadn't been the right response.

Sasuke threw it down on the ground and stomped on it, snapping it in half. Then he stormed off.

Perturbed, and now fully convinced that her new brother-in-law was insane, Temari moved away from the window.

She was just about to turn around and leave when in walked the most miserable looking man she'd ever seen in her life. He stopped short at the sight of her.

They stood in the kitchen, staring blankly at one another. A moment later, Temari took four deliberate steps backwards. She gave him a warning look.

"Ten feet," she said. "That's how far you stay away from me at all times. Got it?"

Itachi opened his mouth to respond—and accidentally inhaled some of the dust blowing in through the window.

Temari stared, nonplussed, as her new husband broke down coughing violently in front of her. Then he turned around and went staggering out of the room.

She listened to the hacking coughs until they tapered off somewhere down the hall. There was a moment of silence.

"Great," she said out loud. "I married an asthmatic."


End file.
